In case you need a reminder that every person and body is wildly different, enjoy the below story, originally published in June 2018, wherein 47 women over the age of 47 weigh in on the state of their sex lives.
T
hanks to an abundance of stereotypes proliferated by popular culture, the sex lives of women above a certain age are either ignored completely or written off as “nonexistent.” Who better to chip away at that oversight than those women themselves? I put a callout on Man Repeller’s Instagram asking for women over the age of 50* to anonymously share some thoughts about sex—how they feel about it, if they have it, if they don’t have it, what they’ve learned about it, a funny story about it, how their sex lives have evolved…or something else entirely. No topic was off-limits. Read their illuminating responses below.
*I included quotes from a couple women in their late 40s who wrote in, too.
“I am a 65-year-old woman and have been married for 38 years to the same man. Now, do we have sex a lot??? NO, but I must say when we do, it is still very good. I’m faced with the ongoing challenge of dryness (it’s ridiculous) but do my best to grease up! Sometimes I like to put on dirty movies as it helps me during foreplay. I do not want to give up on the effort it takes, because I know many friends have. If this is as good as it gets here on out, I’LL TAKE IT.”
Age: 65
“My husband takes me on his business trips. He calls me his ‘road sugar.'”
Age: 56
“I could give two shits about sex. Love, yes. Hugs, yes. Fixing shit around the house, yes.”
Age: 63
“With menopause, sex happens less often (somehow you forget about it), but I feel more confident than when I was younger. I’m in good shape and I feel sexy and attractive. I think it’s important to keep in shape and remain active. Physical activity keeps your body and senses awake.”
Age: 52
“When I was twenty-something, I was so freaked my parents would hear my now-husband and I having sex. Now in my 50s, I am so freaked my twenty-something sons will hear us having sex!”
Age: 53
“My husband and I have been together 31 years and married for 27. Sex is not a top priority with work and travel taking a first seat, but I’m not worried.”
Age: 50
“My period turned off like a faucet at age 44, and I was thrilled. What I did not realize was that with menopause would come awful, excruciating and miserable pain during sex. My whole life, I have always adored sex. I could have sex for all three meals and as a snack. But suddenly, I found myself no longer wanting sex because I did not want to hurt so badly down there. Eventually, the pain became so intense, and the sex so infrequent, that I talked to a few older friends and my therapist and finally consulted with my doctor. Apparently, his wife had had the same symptoms at my age, and he put her on hormones, the same ones he now was recommending for me. I was on the fence about taking them, but when I finally did, my man and I were back to fucking fireworks! The research continues to go back and forth on whether women should take hormones at age 50+ because of the possible scary side effects like strokes and heart attacks. But for me, a love life with great sex is worth the risk.”
Age: 49
“My husband completely understands that sex just isn’t going to happen cause this old lady is dried up and it’s painful.”
Age: 58
“I don’t tend to think about sex as much as I did when I was younger. I have sex maybe 4-10 times a year. The urge to masturbate seemed to vanish after menopause too, at least for me. But I do seek comfort and closeness from my husband daily. My need for touch hasn’t gone anywhere. I feel like we are on the same page of the issue (which really isn’t an issue!). I almost get annoyed at the constant talk of sex as if everyone should want it and that it is a vital part of every stage in life. I feel like it is very natural not to want sex as much anymore from an evolutionary point of view, given that I’m long past the point of being able to pass on my genes.”
Age: 51
“Desire has left the building.”
Age: 56
“Sex is fun! Unfortunately, it’s been too long since I’ve had it.”
Age: 55
“I have sex about five times a week with my hubby. Quickies and everyone ends up happy.”
Age: 50
“I had LOTS of sex (love-making!) when I was younger, but over the years of being married and having children (a mum at the age of 39), I’ve lost interest.”
Age: 50
“Young people tend to think they invented sex; I thought that. I am now a 51-year-old woman and my partner is a 67-year-old man. We have been together for over 25 years, and we are not averse to waking up in the middle of the night to have sex, lots of it. Age improves intimacy; it improves communication; it makes for much better sex.”
Age: 51
“I am 52 and I love sex! As I have aged, sex has gotten better. I am open and speak up about what I like and how I like it. Sex brings on pleasure and confidence and it makes you glow! Sex is a key factor in aging well and taking care of yourself.”
Age: 52
“I love sex! Thing is, I have no one to have it with, except myself.”
Age: 53
“I love sex and miss it terribly. My husband is older than me and has lost all interest. It’s a crying shame.”
Age: 56
“The least interesting thing about human relationships is sex. And it’s a piss poor metric of a healthy relationship.”
Age: 50
“When I was younger, I’d fake an orgasm to make the man feel better about himself. Sex is healthy, but not if it’s fake. After I changed my mindset, I had amazing orgasms! Sometimes, I would fall asleep after, which is okay and should be taken as a compliment by my man, which it is. Good sex means giving and taking with respect. Be honest with yourself first and foremost so you can help your lover know how to satisfy you. Relax and let yourself go!”
Age: 52
“I have it. A lot. I have a wonderful partner whom I love very much. He and I are very compatible in many ways, not just in the sack but also in terms of our values. Even though I am going through menopause, we are together through and through. I feel lucky, as this relationship has been my best sexual experience by far. We have been together seven years.”
Age: 53
“If only my husband’s lovemaking could evolve and keep up with me. We’ve been together 31 years, but I may have to trade him in for a younger model.”
Age: 53
“I wish I had more sex!”
Age: 55
“It can be fun, but maybe a bit uncomfortable and all too rare thanks to the loss of estrogen that no one tells you comes with menopause.”
Age: 58
“I’m not having it because post-menopausal sex is a nightmare. I miss it.”
Age: 57
“Sex is so much better with age and body acceptance.”
Age: 57
“At this stage…not age…in my life, I find I am more confident in my sex life. It’s nice to have a life-long partner who is equally sexual and still adventurous. Or is it because we’re both Leos?”
Age: 51
“Sex is so much better than in my 20s. I am able to orgasm, I’m not afraid to ask for what I want and I look after my body. I am finally putting myself before my kids.”
Age: 49
“Sex is a wonderful gift from nature designed to keep our bodies younger and to bring us zen.”
Age: 63
“I now have the sex I want instead of thinking how I (it) looks. My partner is thrilled AF about it.”
Age: 50
“Ideally, I would have it a lot more. ‘Old’ doesn’t mean not into sex; it just means we’re too set in our schedules…too much TV, not enough hands-on time. Get your partner off the couch and into bed. Don’t lose the romance (not the jump your bones stuff — the sweet, thoughtful stuff).”
Age: 57
“I haven’t had it in seven years and I don’t miss it at all. This is from someone who used to crave it daily.”
Age: 55
“It’s great — no stress about being pregnant and no kids at home to interrupt. My husband and I are aging together, so we both still find each other attractive, and he really knows what I like.”
Age: 59
“I have great, mind-blowing sex at 51! Maybe not every day, but every week.”
Age: 51
“During my marriage, my now-ex and I had okay sex, just regular sex, and not too often, especially at the end when I was ready to file for divorce. I didn’t date for three years, and my ex and I hadn’t had sex for three years before that, at the end of our marriage. It had been a while. Then I started dating this guy I met online, and he is amazing in bed. And it turns out, so am I. It’s sex I have always wanted to have, and I feel sexier and happier about my body than I have ever thought I would. In bed, my boyfriend and I are sultry and dirty and loving and kind. I love the sex I have now, and although I fantasized for years about having sex like this, I never thought I would and I am so into it and happy about it. He’s 50, and I’m 45.”
Age: 45
“Done with it.”
Age: 51
“It’s like the Sahara down there. Natural, organic lubes are key. Anything with chemicals, especially ones that are supposed to warm you up, feel like battery acid to me.”
Age: 63
“I have a voracious, selfish appetite for sex. My husband of 33 years is the same way. The frequency has slowed down a little, but it is amazing when it happens.”
Age: 54
“I’ve been with the same partner for 30 years and our sex life is better than EVER! Hormone replacement is the bomb! We are more relaxed and creative and have more fun!”
Age: 53
“It was fun while it lasted.”
Age: 57
“Sex can be the best of times and the worst of times. It is a crapshoot. You take a risk and sometimes you hit the jackpot. Sometimes you walk away with nothing. If it weren’t for the occasional jackpot, I’m not sure why we would keep doing it. It takes a partner with a heart and mind and soul as big as yours to make it worth the effort, especially as you get older and a few things, including sex, get more challenging. The emotional interplay is the biggest payoff.”
Age: 62
“Sex is wonderful in your fifties as long as you’re having it with someone who’s not. Thank you, younger men who understand that ‘sexy’ is ageless.”
Age: 53
“The strong desire and need for sex faded for me. It’s still enjoyable, I just don’t have it as frequently. Keeping the intimacy alive with your partner is vitally important. It helps you stay connected. You must make the effort!”
Age: 54
“I still want to cook, but it takes me longer to heat up. I have little tolerance for bad sex; it’s just not worth it. But make no mistake, if it’s good, I want it. I always say the oven might be broken, but the bakery is still open for business!”
Age: 58
“I’ve never enjoyed sex as much as I do now. I have an older lover. I didn’t think lovemaking could be this pleasurable, and it keeps getting better. I’ve learned to let go of all my inhibitions and be adventurous, and he keeps pushing the boundaries. I’ve never felt so beautiful and loved as I do now. This is the best time of my life.”
Age: 50
“At this point in my life, I prefer a back scratch, foot rub or cuddle to sex. Sex is still at the top of my husband’s list. We haven’t specifically talked about our different levels of interest in sex, but it is simply apparent. We each give the other what he/she wants, so it works.”
Age: 59
“I’m glad my response is anonymous, not for my sake but for the sake of my four sons (all in their late twenties/early thirties). Few children want to acknowledge their parents as sexual beings, let alone picture their parents as sexually active beings, but we were and we ARE. Earmuffs on, kiddos…we had and still have passionate sex and LOVE it just as much as you do! My hope for my sons and all young adults when choosing a life partner is that their choice is based equally on sexual chemistry and friendship. It can be challenging to find both. Don’t settle. You’re gonna need both! Because there are inevitable sexual seasons in a long-lasting partnership, you and your partner need to be life friends/teammates to brave these seasons and flourish, especially during sexual off-seasons.
These are the “sexual seasons,” according to our experience: YOUNG AND IN LOVE — have sex whenever and wherever you want. CAREER DEVELOPMENT — have sex when time permits and neither of you is completely exhausted from work. IN THE ZONE — balanced work life and sex life. CHILDREN — have sex in your sleep (baby); have limited, spontaneous sex (toddler); have hope-they-don’t-hear-us sex while toggling between nurturer, career woman and sex goddess (grade schooler); have we-can’t-let-them-hear-us sex when and if career, meals, laundry, science projects, uber driver duties to and from and attending activities, etc., doesn’t leave you a walking zombie (teen); have “young and in love” sex again when kids aren’t home from college (young adult); have “young and in love sex” when the menopausal hormone rollercoaster doesn’t rob you of your libido (empty nest).
And there you have it, the sexual seasons of one 55-year-old woman’s life. Maintaining sexual vibrancy throughout life is hard. Choosing the right partner is critical (I chose well). My partner and I are still very much sexual beings, as the season allows, and we still love sex! It’s okay now, kiddos…earmuffs off.”
Age: 55
“I never enjoyed sex fully until after I had my children. Something about creating humans and birthing them made me realize just how amazing my body is and how lucky anyone is who gets to enjoy it too. Have good sex and stop worrying about your tummy rolls.”
Age: 64
Feature Graphic by Dasha Faires.
