Communing with the celestial bodies can give us meaningful insight into so many aspects of our lives, but it’s about to get cold cold and I know that y’all want to know who you’re going to be sharing a space heater with during this year’s cuffing season. Read on to find out if you’re going to spend your indoor-days with the dude from the mailroom who you’ve been sleeping with for two months even though he inexplicably pronounces the word tattoo like ta-TOO, with the emphasis on the latter half of the word, or with that person at the Whole Foods who always buys the same magnesium supplements as you and has a face one could only describe as “architectural,” or perhaps alone in your bed with your cat, as the dulcet tones of The Office theme song sing thee to thy rest.
Aries
The cuffing season weather in Aries-town is hot and heavy. Think tropical levels of steamy, sweaty excitement, whether you’re single or partnered. If the single-and-looking Aries’ winter months were a late-90s romance movie you already know it would be How Stella Got Her Groove Back. But let me offer you a word of caution—with that November retrograde, you may have gotten some of your wires a bit crossed, so take extra care to communicate your intentions and boundaries. If you are partnered, the stars show me that you’ve been doing a lot of hard work on building your relationship with yourself or another intimate other. Now it’s time to get you something crotchless and fill your refrigerator with sexy-themed foods like oysters, cream, tiny patisserie, etc. and get your decadance on. Whatever your status, know that the entanglements you dive into right now you will have a lasting impact on the year ahead, so cuff wisely.
Taurus
Taurus, my dude, look me in my eyes when I say this to you: Block your ex on all social media and delete their phone number. Donald Trump is President and we are living through the sixth mass extinction event in the planet’s history, meaning: Do you really want to face the imminent cataclysmic apocalypse with someone who wastes your damn time and raises your blood pressure? Let me answer for you: No, you don’t. You deserve better. This is the season for all the single Tauri out there to throw out the old rotation and get what they want for real. For all of you that are happily partnered for the cozy months, my advice is the same. The grass is not greener with ol’ dude. You’ve been there, you know the grass is parched and probably littered with other people’s dog droppings. Stay strong.
Gemini
Hello there you saucy minx! The heart-quickening flirtation stage of any relationship is your bread and butter, but the seasons are changing and you might find yourself wanting to lock it down with a special someone. Mercury retrograde came for us all in November, which means you might have found yourself trying to sabotage yourself by making some regressive choices. So let me remind you: It is 2019 and we don’t have time to settle. If you’re single/dating around and no one in the current rotation is worth your time, make some mulled wine and pick up embroidery or buy an excellent new sex toy to get you through it. If you’re happily partnered, it might be time to make amends for some retrograde misunderstandings.
Cancer
Look fam, I know that all your instincts are telling you to crawl up inside your shell and stay there for the rest of eternity. Pluto, small lord of the underworld, is acting up right now and it’s likely that little things that annoy you in your current relationships, whether you’re partnered or single, feel like big gigantic many-headed foul-breathed spawn from hell that exist to torpedo any hopes you had of companionship. Do not be fooled, you tender soft-shelled angel, this too shall pass. When you’ve licked your wounds and cleared your head, there will be someone waiting to hold your hand.
Leo
Leo, regardless of your single or partnered status, I honestly wish I could just give you a handful of various lube samples and tell you to have at it, but alas, I have only words. The planets are conspiring to make this year’s cuffing season a particularly active one for you. The decision to try out a threesome (or more! idk!) is of course not everyone’s speed, but after gazing upon your chart I’ll just say that if you’ve been thinking about it, it might be time to invest in a bigger bed and a crate of coconut water for group re-hydration breaks. I only counsel a heightened attentiveness to communication, so pick a good safe word (some autumnal recommendations: pumpkin spice, maple bacon, Vermont) and do your thing.
Virgo
Welcome to the coziest and most sensual time of year, you hyper-analytical sex-pot! With Mars in Scorpio, partnered Virgos or Virgos who are playing the field could be feeling particularly nit-picky and jealous. The celestial bodies have told me to tell you that you need to chill out and not get in the way of your own happiness. If you’ve got a special someone(s) but you’re feeling the itch to dump them because they insist on loading the dishwasher in a way that makes you want to explode, maybe sit on that for a few days. Or! Every time they use the wrong towel and you want to call their mama and tell her she should have raised her child right, how about you write a list of all the nice things you like about your partner instead? Just a thought.
Libra
It’s the most decadent season of your year Libra! According to the stars, if you’re single, you should be prepared to meet someone who absolutely lavishes you with attention (or maybe you’re about to get a puppy? The stars can be a little vague…) You’ll want to incorporate more sensuality into your day-to-day life regardless of the state of your romantic goings-on. This is a time to invest in things that feel good to touch and have. You know I’m always suggesting jade yoni eggs, and I stand by that. Also perhaps you should consider getting some silky under-things for your undercarriage? Make this cuffing season about locking down your own sense of pleasure and luxury.
Scorpio
Oh buddy, it is YOUR season. The deep sex appeal that animates you will be in overdrive this time of year. According to the stars, if you are single and looking, you may be feeling conflicted about whether or not the soul-shattering, teeth-chattering chemistry that you desire will be in the cards for you. I am here by direct order of the naughtiest celestial powers to tell you that you can have the connection you desire. It is your solemn duty as a Scorpio and as a shepherd of your heart to settle for nothing less. If you are getting your raunch on with a special someone these days, I recommend that you take the lead and try some of the things that have been pattering around your imagination.
Sagittarius
Maybe you’ve noticed that no one can keep their eyes off you lately. This is by celestial design, my friend. The biggest struggle for you this season will be organizing your social calendar. When so many tender souls out there will be coming into the colder months hoping to lock it down, you might be more interested in broadening your horizon in terms of the friendships you cultivate. Whether you’re single or not, it is likely that you’ll spend these next few months out in these streets playing the field, smartwool socks and all. But as Sag season washes over us, you’ll want to take some time and decide whether you’re happy in this hyper-social lifestyle, or if you’ll want to ring in the new year with some changes.
Capricorn
I have very good news for you, Cap. Whether you are partnered or single, this season promises to be abundant. If you are looking for someone to get your snug on with, you may have more candidates than you know what to do with. If you already have your person or people that you are happily getting your snug on with, then you will find an overflow of sweetness this season. As I gaze upon your chart, I see almost unbearably cute activities that might seem saccharine but I insist that you consider them. This means trying your hand at an elaborate blanket fort and watching the most romantic movies you can stomach. This means couples baking projects. This means matching PJ sets. Consider this your permission to engage in the date night activity equivalents of baby talk and pet names.
Aquarius
This cuffing season’s greetings comes with specific celestial instructions for you Aquarius: It is time to be selfish. The best thing you can do for your romantic life right now is to put yourself first, ostentatiously. If you are still engaging in the particular contemporary hell of online dating, the stars ask you to be that dude that just has “selfish lover” as their bio. That’s it. No qualifiers. I know, I know, it’s daring, but this is the time to try grand experiments in self-renovation. What if the only people you tarried with were people who came into it with the explicit knowledge that you and your desires are your priority? I’m not saying that you need to lead the rest of your life as a megalomaniac life-top, I’m just saying that this is a season for tasting the sweet side of selfishness. If you’re partnered, same rules apply minus the dating profile. Put your bossy pants on and let your chosen human know that stuff is about to get weird.
Pisces
Now, being a Pisces, you are generally caught up in the fluvial, emotional below-the-surface side of life. But this season, if you’re partnered and looking to heat things up with your special someone, the stars advise you to engage in some surface-level peacocking. You need to indulge in some aesthetic play, some primping, some shining of your scales. If you’re single and looking, it is imperative that you put on your saving-this-one-for-a-rainy-day look and finally go out with your friend’s friend who shares your obsession with subversive embroidery, or that cutie from the coffee shop that orders egregiously festive coffee beverages (you might learn to find it endearing!) Just make sure that you communicate as clearly as possible, or you could end up on one of those weird “hangouts” that could be a date or could be a casual friend thing, which we both know is a particular form of hell that must be avoided at all costs. Happy trails, gorgeous!
Graphic by Coco Lashar
